hands free camels feet

Please dont read this post if you are easily offended.

Ok, now a days we are all trying to find the easiest and most accessable ways to achieve things, especially while driving,for obvious safety reasons... i.e we have hands free car phones, hands free sat navs, etc etc.

Well I have this morning, made a new hands free discovery.... I was a little bit late for work, hastily jumped into my car and set off at a high rate of knots..... well as I reached the sleeping policemen (speed bumps or whatever you call them) I obviously slowed down and proceded over the bump........ it was at this precise moment that I created hands free ' bean flicking '.... oh my word, I can only descibe how I created this effect as follows,

In my haste to get into my car and on my journey, I didnt adjust my trousers correctly and had inadvertantly given myself a ' front bottom wedgie ' ...... thus creating the visial effect of a camels foot............

(the only piccy I could find of a camels foot) so use your imagination....

So every time I braked and then accelerated it created a bean flicking sensation........ I did get a lot of stange looks on the motorway on my way to work as I constantly drove like my car had been filled up with kangaroo juice(of cause didnt drive like this on purpose hee hee)..... but I think I have had a good start to my day and cant wait to drive back home tonight.....

why do I keep thinking about this strange little ditti ??

The sexual life of the camel

Is stranger than anyone thinks.

At the height of the mating season

He tries to bugger the sphinx.

But the sphinx's posterior sphincter

Is all clogged by the sands of the Nile,

Which accounts for the hump on the camel

And the sphinx's inscrutable smile.

anyway its lunchtime and I am off to look for sleeping policemen or large pot holes in the road..

so if anyone knows of any pot holes, dirt tracks, sleeping policemen or any alternatives that are close to Liverpool or Manchester le me know....thanks

ciao4now everybody peeps xx

Never fook with a woman !! you'll learn

I have discovered a few lines that seem to sum up the hidden messages that are sent out by women... below is a selections of words and the TRUE meanings behind them...... these apply in most situations and should always be adhered to, 100%, no deviation and no getting away from it...... be warned....

1.) FINE: This is the word the women uses to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. However five minutes is only five minutes, if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a real word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make. That's "okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome and say NOTHING else, nothing at all.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is a task that the woman has requested doing several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in you asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.

ciao4now everybody peeps xx

what is wrong with me ?

I am sitting here just catching up on the news.....
I hear the weather.... It is going to be the HOTTEST day of the year so far.... the hottest day in April since records began...
What am I doing this afternoon ???

Going to the M.E.N areana to watch dancing on ice...!!??

What the hell is wrong with me?

I only have two things I can use to create any kind of logic...
It wasnt sunny when I booked it, and I guess its one of those things you do for love..... love pushes it sometimes though, dont ya think ?

ciao4now

GRAND NATIONAL

ok so its the Grand National this weekend, I know not everyone agrees with horse racing, but this is a national treasure, its a one off when nearly everyone in the country becomes a racing tipser....

So let it be known I am now about to transpose into the female version of John Mc Crirrick or maybe even the female version of Claire balding ?!

OK so here are the tips...... get ready...

Grand National.....

number 1...Billyvoddan..... destined for the winners enclosure

number 2... idletalk.... oh this will be there too...

I think its best to go for a reverse forcast....

goodluck everyone and I can assure you that any monies lost will NOT be refunded by me, take the punt at your own risk....

but the best tip I can give you is keep ya dosh firmly planted in your sky rocket and spend it later in the day on beer !!!

ciao4now everybody peeps xx

A Creative Difference ?

This made me smile a bit....

WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Ciao4now everybody peeps...x

jelly challenging.....

ok help required......... sitting at my table with a pot of Hartleys strawberry jelly.... armed with a spoon, peeled off the lid ready to start, dig in spoon but all thats happening is that the jelly is spinning round in a circle in the tub, try a different way, too much jelly for the spoon to lift (and too wobbly to stay on the spoon) bigger spoon ? no good......... nothing available....
so what to do ? seems a bit uncouth to slurp the jelly directly from the pot (maybe fun actually) but even on my own it doesnt seem like a good idea.....
ok given up and note to self ' not to buy jelly again' until a better solution is found....

ciao4now

why today is beautiful...

Today is BEAUTIFUL.....
Is today beautiful because the sun has shone all day ? no.....
Is today beautiful because I have completed my pile of ironing? no....
Is today beautiful because I had dangerous liaison number three at the weekend ? no.... (but that's a different thing)
Is today beautiful because I hoovered and polished the interior of my car for the first time in four years ? no......
Today is beautiful because I have had my first days holiday of the year !! it is amazing and I have enjoyed EVERY minute of it so far....and what makes it even better is the fact that I am off work tomorrow too !! ha ha yippee hooray and any other cheery words that spring to mind...
I have spent most of the day loving and cherishing my home, making the most of my great day...... I have spent all day in my slobbery clothes, these are the best clothes in the world, that can only be worn at home...however as I caught sight of myself today in the mirrored wardrobes (that sounds decidedly dodgy even to mention mirrored wardrobes....maybe should have deleted ) I am ashamed to say that I am going to have to change my slobbery clothes....after catching sight of my attire, I had second thoughts about even going into the garden to hang out the washing.... I had an olive green t-shirt on that has slight bleach mark/spots on the front, I had my new preps on and a pair of camouflage combat shorts that no longer has a button attached and are totally reliant on the zip staying up to keep my dignity, however these are probably two sizes too big and are constantly exposing a builders bum position anyway..... in fact a good summary of my slob out clothes.... they make me look like an extra from the Avril Lavine skater boy music video....... I have a attached a picture of my new preps and my combat shorts so you can see for yourselves....

does anyone else have slob out clothes that they can only wear at home and would NEVER be seen dead in ???

ciao4now everyone xxx